Official OCP Public Relations Memo
“Haha! The wreckin’ crew is here! Where is that metallic mother?” – the late J.P. Cox (R.I.P.)
Hello, people of Old Detroit…Dick Jones here. I guess you’re all on your knees right about now…begging for your lives. Pathetic. You don’t feel so cocky now do ya? Bob Morton offered to pay me double? Please! You know what the real tragedy here is? We could’ve been friends, but Bobby-boy wouldn’t go through the proper channels. He went over my head with that robotic super-cop bullshit, and that hurt. Bob thought he was gonna be OCP’s top dog once the old man died (however mysteriously), but I couldn’t let that little prick stand in my way. So, I had no choice but to cash Bob out. I had to kill him because he made a mistake…and I figured it was time to erase that mistake. On that note, your precious little robo-hero doesn’t stand a chance. Why is that, you ask? You see, I have a brand-new weapon in my personal arsenal. I’m talking about a crusty, d-beat infused, four-headed beast straight from your beloved streets that will make the hunk of junk formerly known as Officer Alex Murphy look like a complete joke. It’s with that notion that I present to you all…Boddicker!!
Yes, you heard me right, citizens. You’re looking at a state of the art deathgrind killing machine, with enough ear-smashing “bang bang” to make the Cobra Assault Cannon seem like a child’s toy. The feedback-drenched power this thing possesses blows away that of the precious 6000 SUX in your driveway. I know what you’re all probably thinking…”What about ED-209?” Well, I hate to say it folks, but ED’s dead too. The gentlemen collectively known as Boddicker (who reportedly have ties to like-minded, alleged criminals, Chinaski and Kata Sarka, among others) ate him for breakfast at target practice this morning.
If you were watching the news this morning, you likely saw the report on their debut exercise, which many are referring to as “Mitch Is The Bastard.” It should be stated that the four assaults contained within that exercise make Directive 4 a pointless endeavor…in that there is no doubt where Boddicker’s loyalties lie. Aided in their methods by one of my top associates, Carl Byers along with his mobile Clandestine Arts Studio, Boddicker has undeniably perfected their skills in the bowels of the old steel mill. Some may suggest that the results were paid for with extortion and drug money, but I digress. One only needs to bear witness to the likes of the first couple rituals, “They Fix Everything” or “Gun Powder Bong Hits,” to get the picture. And if this city knows what’s good for it, it will indeed do that.
In closing, fine people of Old Detroit…I’m Dick Jones, and I thank you for your time. Be on the look-out for Boddicker patrolling your streets in the near future. To anyone with complaints, I can only borrow the heart-felt words of my fallen friend, Clarence: Bitches leave!!
Newly-appointed CEO, Omni Consumer Products