Official OCP Public Relations Memo, RE: crime rate increase
Greetings once again, people of Old Detroit! It’s your old pal, Dick, here! As we all know, a lot has changed since the old man and that asshole, Bob Morton, left us. I know for many of you it’s been hard to deal with such a loss, but I feel as a thriving metropolis, Old Detroit needs to embrace this as a positive change. I know what you’re saying…”But, come on, Dick. These street gangs and hoodlums are ripping this city to shreds and the cops are nowhere to be seen!” Trust me, I’ve seen and heard the doubt you all are feeling, every day. However, you can rest assured in knowing that I have your best interest at heart. The safety of this city’s people is #1 on my priority list as CEO of OCP.! What more proof do you need than what was introduced to you all in my last letter? I mean, have you not witnessed the no-nonsense, strong-arm approach of my assistants? They’re out on the streets every minute…of every hour…of every day…to ensure that OCP, and I, Dick Jones, have everything under control.
When last I mentioned my hard-nosed team of deathgrind assassins, Boddicker…it was to introduce you all to the ability those gentlemen have of cleansing the streets of Old Detroit, with blood, if necessary. Yes, my boys brought a lot to the table with their first campaign, Mitch Is The Bastard. I’m guessing you all saw little, if nothing, where criminal activity was concerned. And if you happened to see a member of Boddicker doing something questionable, then I guarantee it was for the greater good of our magnificent city.
It is with that statement, that I am proud to extend my deepest gratitude to this unstoppable group of men once again. Yes, my boys have brought the hammer down once again, in the form of the kind of grinding, violent hardcore that made the old man piss in his pants…in the middle of the boardroom, I might add. One listen to “Every Crime a Trophy” or “Rise of the Downtrodden” should be all the proof you need. They have stepped up their efforts with the next level of their mission for this city, this time by joining forces with another exceptional group of outstanding citizens. By now, the name Kata Sarka should be a household name to you all. Yes that’s right. The same blackened death maniacs that brought us The Great Dereliction, and Riding a Wind of Knives, before that, have joined in the everlasting fight to transform Old Detroit into the paradise it was meant to be. Bob Morton once told me he couldn’t handle those guys. He said they were “far too misanthropic and crusty” for his soft, crybaby ass. I laughed, and turned it up even louder. This time around, they’ve added “Poaching the Boar” and “Mired in Spleen” to their arsenal…both of which will eradicate any unwanted elements off of the street with a quickness, at least from where I’m standing.
It is with this information that I urge the fine people of this city to sleep soundly tonight, knowing that you’re secure in the grip of OCP.
Self-aggrandizing CEO, Omni Consumer Products